Gilbert Guttlebocker,

Defender of Dragons

9. Peracetic Trifluoroacetic Acid

The next day, which was a Saturday, Gilbert awoke to the sunlight streaming in through the curtains that almost covered the window next to his bed.

Mildly bewildered at his strange new location and groggy from his long day and late night, he rubbed his eyes and rolled over in his bed. Peering through the slits of his eyelids, he saw a thin form with tousled hair huddled over one of the desks in the room.

Archibald, he remembered, closing his eyes again.

As he lay there, still exhausted, with his eyes closed, he heard a quiet whirring coming from the other boy's desk — a mechanical tool of some sort. It was followed by a soft clunk noise, like thick metal against solid wood. A sigh. More gentle clunks. More whirring. A little squeak. A chuckle.

Gilbert opened his eyes, curious what the other boy was up to. He turned and sat up in bed, yawning and stretching.

Archibald turned to look at him.

“Good morning,” Archibald said, turning back to his project.

Gilbert moved his tongue around in his mouth. “Your name is Archibald, right?” he asked.

“Correct. And you are Gilbert,” he informed our hero, without looking up again.

Gilbert nodded. “Yeah.”

“You wouldn't happen to have a liter of peracetic trifluoroacetic acid in that giant trunk of yours, would you?”

Gilbert simply stared at the boy.

After a minute of no response, Archibald looked up at his new roommate. “No?” he asked. “I forgot mine too,” he muttered as he went back to his project. “Guess I'll have to synthesize some.”

“What are you doing?” Gilbert asked.

“Creating an electromagnetic transference inhibition sphere to circumscribe the room. Should be invisible and completely harmless for you and me, and the other humans. But dragons have a far denser bone structure that won't pass through the sphere.”

Gilbert blinked.

“It isn't safe here,” Archibald stated forcefully, pressing his glasses up on his nose. “Did you know that six different boys disappeared from this academy just last year? And that was a slow year. My guess is... the dragons.”

Gilbert didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. It seemed to him that he had finally, perhaps for the first time, met someone who thought the same way that he did.

Only Archibald was clearly far more intelligent.

“Can I help?” Gilbert asked.

Archibald stopped what he was doing and stared at Gilbert, mouth open in disbelief. “You... you want to help me?”

“Yeah. I watched a dragon burn up one of the other passengers from the rocket just by breathing on him as soon as I arrived here in Siberia. When I finally got to the academy, I was greeted here by that same dragon — Yiiri — our headmaster.”

“You took one of those rockets?” Archibald asked, disappointed.

“It wasn't my idea,” Gilbert protested.

“They aren't safe either,” Archibald informed him condescendingly.

“I know — half of them blow up in transit!” Gilbert shouted, exasperated.

Archibald smiled and stood up from his desk. “I'm glad you're my roommate,” he told Gilbert, placing a hand on the other boy's shoulder.

“You're not half as glad as I am,” Gilbert returned.

“What's wrong with everyone?” Archibald asked rhetorically.

“I always thought it was just me.”

Archibald shook his head, laughing. “Well, if you want to help, I could really use some peracetic trifluoroacetic acid. I could synthesize some, but it's a massive pain, as I'm sure you know.”

“I have no idea, actually. I don't even know what parasitic trifluoro-acidic… uh… acid… is.”

Archibald roared with laughter. “I like you, Gilbert!”

Gilbert chuckled in amusement at his own befuddlement.

“Well, other than the acid, I think I've got this handled. Feel free to, uh…” Archibald looked around the room. “Feel free to unpack or whatever. I put all my stuff away yesterday.”

“Good idea.” Gilbert climbed off the bunk and went to his backpack, which he had placed on top of the other desk. Unzipping it, he pulled out a large brass skeleton key, which he then used to open the trunk sitting on the floor by his desk.

But as the trunk lid opened, something occurred to the boy.

“I need to go check on something,” he told Archibald.

His roommate looked up, concerned. “Be careful,” he told Gilbert. “It'll stink if you get eaten on the first day.”

“You're telling me,” Gilbert said, pulling open the door. Then he stopped and turned back around. “Hey, Archibald. Want to come with me?”

Archibald looked up from his work and out the door into the hallway. He stared out the door for a moment, wondering if anything could motivate him to leave the room and wander around out there, where the dragons were.

“Where are you going?” he asked, cautiously.

“Well, there's this girl…”

“Oh, a girl? No thanks. I wouldn't go out there with you and risk a flaming fiery death just so you can go see some girl.”

“No,” Gilbert insisted. “It's not like that. It's really not like that at all.”

Archibald frowned at his new roommate.

“It's just — I came in with her last night and, well... she passed out before she made it to her room, and Yiiri was there, and after watching what he did to Mugsy yesterday, and then Barkley was just… well, look, I just need to make sure she's okay. That's all. You don't have to come.”

Squinting, Archibald sized his roommate up and wondered if Gilbert's concern for this girl merited exiting the room, along with all of the dangers inherent with that kind of action.

He swallowed hard as Gilbert waited for his answer.

At last, he dropped his tools on the table, shoved his chair back and stood up, nodding.

“Alright,” he said nervously. “I guess if we won't even try to protect girls from dragons, we don't really have any business being here, do we?”

Gilbert smiled. He liked Archibald.

Archibald adjusted his glasses and then reached into his pocket, withdrawing an inhaler. After puffing into his mouth, he shoved the device back into his pocket.

“Okay, let's go,” he said.

They both stepped out into the hallway, letting the door close on its own behind them.

As they started walking down the corridor toward the stairwell, Archibald asked, “Is Mugsy the guy from the rocket? The one that was…”

“Yeah,” Gilbert answered. “Burned to death.”

“You knew him then?”

“Well, I met him on the rocket. He was coming here. He sold stickers. Scratch-and-sniff stickers. He thought the dragon had come to give him a ride to the academy.”

Archibald watched his friend.

“He was burned to death right in front of me. The whole field was black and charred, littered with dead things. Animals. Humans. Skeletons everywhere. I can still smell the…”

“Don't.” Archibald interrupted.

Gilbert was surprised to realize that he had stopped walking.

“Let's go check on your girl,” Archibald insisted, gesturing towards the stairway.

Running his hand through his hair, Gilbert shook his head. “She isn't my girl,” he muttered.

“Yeah, sure — whatever,” Archibald said, smiling, hoping to lighten his friend's mood.

They continued down the corridor.

“Seriously, though, she isn't my girl. She's just a girl.”

“Just a girl, huh? But she's the only girl you're going to check on, right?”

“Well, yeah.” Gilbert thought for a moment. “She's also the only girl you're going to check on though.”

“I'm just going because of you,” Archibald objected. “I wouldn't even be going if she wasn't your girl.”

“She's not my girl,” Gilbert muttered.

“But you need to make sure she's okay.”

“Well, yeah. I mean… yeah.”

Though the hallway had been empty except for the two boys thus far, they now saw around the bend in front of them a large, hulking, monstrous beast and two young men about their age.

Archibald stopped in his tracks. He pulled out his inhaler again and took another puff.

“It's okay,” Gilbert told him. “That's Doop. He's harmless.”

“I know who he is,” Archibald insisted. “I met him when I got here. He's a dragon.”

Gilbert nodded. “He is a dragon, yeah. But… but he's okay.”

“You just finished telling me about how a dragon killed your friend from the rocket — the sticker salesman. And all the death and dead bodies.”

“Right. You're right. But that's Doop. Really, he's okay.”

Archibald shook his head as he looked off into the distance at the massive green dragon. The boy wasn't moving.

And then Gilbert realized something. “You haven't met Yiiri yet, have you?”

Glancing at Gilbert, Archibald shook his head again. “No,” he said, returning his fearful stare to the dragon down the hall.

Gilbert rested his arm on the other boy's shoulder. “Night and day,” he said. “There's no comparison. C'mon.”

Gilbert headed down the hallway toward the green monster as the blood slowly drained from Archibald's face.

“Good morning, Doop!” Gilbert called cheerfully.

“Gilbert Guttlebocker!” the long-necked Doop grinned broadly as he saw the boy approach, displaying a mouth full of thick, flat, white teeth. “Is your room alright?”

“The room is great — thank you for showing me to it last night.”

“And your roommate? Archibald? Are you boys getting along alright?”

“Archibald's fantastic,” Gilbert told him.

“I'm just showing these two boys to their room. Boys, this is Gilbert — I knew his father when he was here. Gilbert, this is Evander and Wilson.”

Gilbert extended his hand toward the boys, and each shook it in turn.

“The beds are really comfortable,” Gilbert told them, “though I was so exhausted last night I could have slept on a pile of rocks.”

“I usually sleep on a pile of rocks,” Evander said. “I was worried the beds might be comfortable, so I brought rocks with me, just to make sure.”

Gilbert stared at the boy, wondering if he was joking.

Evander took off the backpack he carried and hefted it to the floor with a thump. Then he unzipped it, revealing a load of rocks of all shapes and sizes.

“I… um… how do you…” Gilbert looked from the rocks to the boy, then back to the rocks again. “Never mind.”

“That was smart of you,” Doop told Evander.

Wilson nodded approvingly, looking at the rocks in his roommate's pack.

“Thanks for the warning,” Evander told Gilbert. “Now I know not to bother with trying out the mattress.”

“Uh… yeah. Sure. Any time.” Gilbert thought for a moment, and then asked, “Do either of you have any, uh… paraplegic trifluoro-pathetic acid? Or, um… I forget exactly what it's called.”

“Peracetic trifluoroacetic acid?” Wilson asked.

“That's it! Yeah! Do you have some?”

“Of course,” Wilson said. “Who doesn't carry around peracetic trifluoroacetic acid?”

“I don't,” Evander said, pulling a few sharp rocks from his bag and pressing them longingly against his cheek.

“Me neither,” Doop added. “Not even sure what it is.”

“Really?” Wilson asked, puzzled.

“I don't either, but I could sure use some if you have any extra,” Gilbert admitted.

“I… I don't understand — how can a person get through the day without a good supply of peracetic trifluoroacetic acid? Let alone someone who wants to become a knight? I mean, it's as indispensable as praseodymium, you know?”

Gilbert shrugged in shame.

“Hang on a sec. I might have some extra. How much do you need?”

“Hey Archibald!” Gilbert called down the hall. “How much of that stuff did you need?”

“Oh — it's Archibald!” Doop exclaimed, seeing the other boy who had remained lingering cautiously down the hall for the first time.

Archibald cleared his throat nervously. “What stuff?” he asked.

“That porus septic trifold acidic stuff,” Gilbert replied.

“Oh — two teaspoons. Do they have some?”

“Of course,” Wilson answered. He pulled off his backpack and placed it carefully on the floor. As the boy unzipped it, Gilbert saw a plethora of plastic Tupperware containers, each filled with what appeared to be water.

Wilson removed one of the containers and handed it to Gilbert. “Here's a full twelve fluid ounces. Just bring back whatever you don't use.”

Gilbert took the container and smiled. “Thanks Wilson! If you ever need anything from me, or my roommate Archibald, just ask. Either one of you, okay?”

Wilson and Evander nodded.

“Well, we've got to run downstairs for a few minutes. It was nice meeting you guys.” Gilbert turned back toward Archibald, who was cautiously approaching the group. “Come on, Archibald. Let's get downstairs and check on Bernice.”

Archibald cautiously edged around Doop, hugging the outer wall, careful not to touch the massive beast.

As the two boys continued through the corridor, Archibald turned to Gilbert. “I can't believe you did that. That dragon could have killed you.”

“No, I told you — Doop isn't that kind of dragon.”

“A dragon's a dragon.”

“Wait till you meet Yiiri,” Gilbert said.

“And how did you just start talking to them like that?”

“Like what? What do you mean?” Gilbert asked, puzzled.

“Those two boys. You just started talking to them like you'd known them all your life. I could never do that.”

“I just said hello,” Gilbert explained.

“I could never do that,” Archibald repeated.

Gilbert looked at him quizzically. “Why not?”

“Talking to a stranger like that. I just can't do it. Never could. I get all… clammed up. I just can't do it.”

“You talk to me okay,” Gilbert pointed out.

“That's different,” Archibald explained. “You're my roommate.”

“But we just met.”

“Yes, but you're my roommate.”

“I don't get it,” Gilbert conceded.

“And you got what we needed for the sphere. That was incredible. I see why you think you have what it takes to be a knight.”

“Why I have… what do you mean? I just talked with some people.” Gilbert was perplexed, which, as I believe I have mentioned before, dear reader, was not unusual for him.

“You're not afraid of dragons or strangers... and you're able to solve problems quickly — to think on your feet — the way you obtained the acid we needed. It's really impressive. That's all I'm saying. Not everyone could have done that.”

The two boys came to the stairwell and, with typical youthful vigor, bounded downward two steps at a time.

“Oh — I had another question,” Archibald began. “You mentioned someone named Barkley. Back in the room. When you were trying to get me to leave.”

“Did I?” Gilbert asked as they approached a landing.

“Yeah. Something about Barkley. Who's Barkley?”

“I'm Barkley,” came a voice from above and behind them. They stopped and turned around, looking up the stairs, and saw the large boy Gilbert had met the day before coming down toward them, twirling a shiny broadsword in his hand. “What's this twerp been saying about me?”

“I didn't — I wasn't…” Gilbert started.

Barkley shoved Gilbert into the wall of the stairwell and held him there with his left arm against the smaller boy's chest, his right hand playing eagerly with the newly shined and sharpened sword.

“Whatever he said about me is a lie,” Barkley growled. “Isn't that right, moron?”

Archibald frowned, surprised at the aggressive and uncalled-for behavior of this would-be knight. “What did Gilbert ever do to you, Master Barkley? Steal your crayons?”

Barkley immediately released Gilbert, the former captive gasping for air as he collapsed to the floor. Turning toward Archibald, Barkley frowned intensely, flipping his beautifully polished sword in his hand.

“That wasn't very nice,” Barkley sneered at Archibald. “You know, I could break you in pieces if I wanted.”

Archibald nodded. “Probably without much effort,” he agreed, pressing his glasses up further on his nose.

Barkley tossed his sword from one hand to the other. Then he suddenly placed its tip against the floor and leaned on the hilt. “Yeah,” he said profoundly, a smile crossing his face.

Gilbert got to his feet and raised his hands in silent confusion behind Barkley's back so that only Archibald could see. Realizing Archibald was looking behind him, Barkley spun around to prevent a surprise attack that was not coming.

Glaring at Gilbert, sword in hand, Barkley reminded him, “Just keep your distance, twerp.”

Gilbert nodded.

Barkley turned to Archibald. “You too,” he demanded.

Archibald nodded.

The large boy headed down the stairs, leaving Gilbert and Archibald on the landing.

“What was that all about?” Archibald whispered.

“I have no idea,” Gilbert whispered back. “He's hated me ever since we first met.”

“If that sword had been the size of his IQ instead of his ego, we wouldn't have had anything to worry about.”

Gilbert stared at Archibald for a moment. Then he broke into laughter.

“Hey,” Gilbert said as he recovered. “I thought you said you couldn't talk to strangers…?”

“Talk? No.” Archibald pointed out. “Insult? Any time. Sometimes insults aren't appropriate and then… well, I'm usually at a complete loss.”

“You didn't even seem scared!”

“There's nothing to be afraid of when you're in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.”

Gilbert giggled.

“Seriously though, you didn't do something to him?” Archibald pressed.

“No — not that I know of at least. He has more reason now to hate you than he ever did me. I was trying to be nice to him.”

The two boys moved down the stairs, coming to the first floor. Gilbert led the way toward Bernice's room.

As Gilbert raised his fist to knock on the door for room 173, the door opened. Bernice was just leaving the room. An expression of surprise that someone was at the door gave way to absolute glee as the curly-haired girl screeched, “Gilbert! Oh, my Gilbert!” and wrapped her arms around the young man.

“Not your girl, huh?” Archibald commented.

“Oh, I missed you so much! I'm so glad you came to see me! I woke up in this room that I'd never been in before, and I had no idea how I'd gotten here, and I could only think that it must have been you! You must have taken me to my new room here at the academy! And I was so excited that you cared so much for me that you would make sure that I was safe! And now here you are to check on me!”

Gilbert attempted to peer into the room to see if the girl's roommate was visible, but Bernice's hugs prevented him from getting a good view.

“Uh… Bernice…” he began.

“I knew you would take care of me! I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on you. I said to myself, now there is a man who will take care of his lady. There's a man that can be trusted. And when I woke up today, I wondered where you were, and I was so worried about you, but then you came to my room to visit me!”

“Um…”

“But I have so much to tell you because so much has happened since I woke up this morning, and since you're my husband, I didn't want you to miss out on any of it!”

“Husband?” Archibald asked.

“When I woke up I met my roommate because she was already up because I guess I was really exhausted from our long trek together yesterday which is no surprise I suppose, and she was really nice to me and told me all about the academy and showed me her jewelry that her mother gave her even though she never wears it and she had this beautiful pearl necklace that she said I could wear on our wedding day and I think it would look just perfect on me with a gorgeous white dress, don't you think?”

“I…”

“You'll need to meet my roommate. You'll definitely need to meet her.”

“Actually, I was just hoping that I could…”

“Oh good! Dolores! Come out here in the hall and meet Gilbert! He saved my life yesterday when the guards were going to kill us…”

“Kill you?” Archibald asked.

“Well, not really…”

“They were so terrifying! And I passed out! But Gilbert brought me here to my bedroom and took such good care of me! Dolores! Where are you?”

A taller girl with dark, curly hair, wearing black jeans and a plain, black t-shirt came through the door behind Bernice. A phone in her hands, her thumbs were pattering over the device faster than the speed of light. She nodded toward Archibald, then toward Gilbert, never looking away from her phone. Then Dolores disappeared back into her room.

“Oh, isn't she wonderful? Dolores will make such a grand roommate for me! Don't you just love her?”

“Um… yeah… she's…”

“Oh, I know! I just couldn't have asked for a nicer roommate! Have you met your roommate yet, Gilbert?”

“Uh… yeah… actually, this is Archibald. He's…”

“Archibald! What a handsome name! My grandfather's name was Archibald! What do you think of my Gilbert? He's an amazing young man, isn't he?”

“He seems…”

“I know! He's just the greatest! And I am so lucky to be marrying him, aren't I?”

“I thought you said he was your…” Archibald began, confused.

“There is no man on earth who could take better care of me than Gilbert — of this, I am convinced.”

“So, Bernice, it's good to see that you're okay — Archibald and I just wanted to…”

“I'm doing more than okay, Gilbert — I'm great! And I'm so excited to be here! This academy is going to be perfect for me. It's going to be perfect for us! Don't you think?”

“I'm glad you're safe; we're going to go now…”

“Just imagine the stories we'll tell our grandchildren about how we met on a rocket ship and rode an elephant to an academy in a far-away land and how you saved my life…”

“Okay — we'll see you later, Bernice.”

“It was nice meeting you,” Archibald added.

“...and before we had known each other for even twenty-four hours we were already engaged and no one and nothing could tear us apart…”

The two boys hurried back the way they came as Bernice continued her narrative, standing in her doorway. Archibald cast an occasional glance over his shoulder and added a wave to it as they left the young woman to her own devices.

Once she was no longer visible, Archibald asked, again, “What was that all about…?”

“I have no idea,” Gilbert responded. “She latched on to me immediately, as we were boarding the rocket.”

“People either love you or hate you,” Archibald decided.

“Let's get back to the room and finish up that... sphere thing,” Gilbert suggested, lifting the Tupperware container as he spoke.

“Sounds good. Our room definitely needs to be protected.”